How to Work Out What Matters
Values are the deeply held beliefs that guide your decisions, shape your relationships, and give your life meaning—and yet, for most people, getting clear on them feels intimidating, even overwhelming. Why? Because thinking about what truly matters forces you to confront hard questions: Who am I, really? What do I want? What might I need to change? It's often easier (and more comfortable) to stay busy and follow what others expect, rather than pause and reflect. In a culture that rewards productivity over self-inquiry, we rarely get the space—or the encouragement—to ask, "What do I stand for?" But sorting through inherited beliefs, old fears and new dreams is essential if you want to live with authenticity and purpose.
Why Are Values So Hard to Identify?
Values are not the same as goals. Values are the principles you hold most important — the drivers behind your actions and the foundation of the person you want to be. They act like a North Star, guiding your decisions, your relationships and even your response to life's inevitable ups and downs.
Psychiatrist Dr. Pooja Lakshmin reminds us that "real self-care" starts with the hard work of pinning down our values, and making a habit of checking in with ourselves to stay aligned with them. "Identifying our values in an explicit way emboldens us to make clear choices," she writes. "And those choices lead to purpose and a sense of fulfillment" (Lakshmin, 164).
But here’s the catch: uncovering your values requires deep self-reflection. Your beliefs are shaped not just by your personality and life experiences, but by the families, cultures and societies you grew up in. Without careful attention, it’s easy to confuse what you genuinely care about with what you think you should care about. As psychologist Dr. Julie Smith warns, “beware of those musts and shoulds … the relentless expectations that send us on a downward spiral of unhappiness” (Smith, 25).
How Can I Find What Matters Most?
Start with a List
A great place to begin is by scanning a list of common values. Write down the ones that resonate—and feel free to add your own. Remember, values are action-oriented. “Feeling happy” isn’t a value; behaviors like “building meaningful relationships” or “seeking adventure” are.
Here’s a starter list:
Acceptance, Ambition, Adventure, Attention to Detail, Autonomy, Authenticity, Balance, Beauty, Bravery, Belonging, Creativity, Commitment, Compassion, Curiosity, Connection, Courage, Determination, Dependability, Discipline, Faith, Fairness, Flexibility, Friendship, Generosity, Humility, Humor, Hope, Honesty, Independence, Integrity, Justice, Kindness, Loving, Learning, Loyalty, Open-Mindedness, Patience, Reliability, Risk-Taking, Respect, Safety, Service, Stability, Spirituality, Self-Awareness, Steadfastness, Strength, Sustainability, Sincerity, Trustworthiness, Understanding, Work-Ethic.
If you feel overwhelmed, ask yourself:
What principles do I want to stand for?
What contribution do I want to make?
What past decisions have brought me the most fulfillment?
What decisions have left me feeling uneasy or regretful?
When have I felt most proud of myself?
What activities make me lose track of time?
What qualities or attitudes do I want to bring to different areas of my life?
You can also group related values together. For instance, if you choose commitment, discipline and reliability, you might summarize them under the broader value of dependability.
Rank Your Values
Next, think about how your values show up across different areas of your life: relationships, work or education, personal growth, health, spirituality, community, creativity, parenting and leisure.
Borrowing a tool from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), you can rate:
Importance: On a scale from 0–10, how important is this area to you?
Alignment: On a scale from 0–10, how closely are you living in line with that value right now?
A big gap between these two numbers signals an opportunity for positive change. For example, if lifelong learning feels like a 10 in importance, but your alignment is a 1 (because you’re spending most free time scrolling social media), that’s a clue it’s time to refocus your energy.
Take Time for Regular Check-Ins
Your values will evolve as you grow and move through different life stages. That’s natural—and it’s important to approach the process with self-compassion. Instead of criticizing yourself for getting off track, gently ask: Which way am I heading? Is this direction aligned with who I want to be? If not, what small steps can I take to get back on course?
Working out what matters most isn’t a one-time project. It’s an ongoing practice—and one of the most rewarding things you can do for yourself.