How to Work Out What Matters
Values are the things that matter most to you—not in a lofty, philosophical way, but in the real, everyday sense. They show up in how you spend your time, how you treat people, what you stand up for and what you quietly long for. Getting clear on your values is like finding your internal north star. It helps you make decisions with more confidence, set boundaries that feel right and let go of the pressure to live by someone else’s rules. When you know what truly matters to you, life starts to feel less chaotic and more aligned. You stop chasing and start choosing. There’s a kind of peace that comes from living in a way that feels like you.
Why Are Values So Hard to Identify?
Values are not the same as goals. They are the principles you hold most important — the drivers behind your actions and the foundation of the person you want to be. They can guide your decisions, your relationships and even your response to life's inevitable ups and downs.
But here’s the catch: uncovering your values requires deep self-reflection. Your beliefs are shaped not just by your personality and life experiences, but by the families, cultures and societies you grew up in. Without careful attention, it’s easy to confuse what you genuinely care about with what you think you should care about. As psychologist Dr. Julie Smith warns, “beware of those musts and shoulds … the relentless expectations that send us on a downward spiral of unhappiness” (Smith, 25).
How Can I Find What Matters Most?
Start with a List
A great place to begin is by scanning a list of common values. Write down the ones that resonate—and feel free to add your own. Remember, values are action-oriented. “Feeling happy” isn’t a value; behaviors like “building meaningful relationships” or “seeking adventure” are.
Here’s a starter list:
Acceptance, Ambition, Adventure, Attention to Detail, Autonomy, Authenticity, Balance, Beauty, Bravery, Belonging, Creativity, Commitment, Compassion, Curiosity, Connection, Courage, Determination, Dependability, Discipline, Faith, Fairness, Flexibility, Friendship, Generosity, Humility, Humor, Hope, Honesty, Independence, Integrity, Justice, Kindness, Loving, Learning, Loyalty, Open-Mindedness, Patience, Reliability, Risk-Taking, Respect, Safety, Service, Stability, Spirituality, Self-Awareness, Steadfastness, Strength, Sustainability, Sincerity, Trustworthiness, Understanding, Work-Ethic.
If you feel overwhelmed, ask yourself:
What principles do I want to stand for?
What contribution do I want to make?
What past decisions have brought me the most fulfillment?
What decisions have left me feeling uneasy or regretful?
When have I felt most proud of myself?
What activities make me lose track of time?
What qualities or attitudes do I want to bring to different areas of my life?
You can also group related values together. For instance, if you choose commitment, discipline and reliability, you might summarize them under the broader value of dependability.
Rank Your Values
Next, think about how your values show up across different areas of your life: relationships, work or education, personal growth, health, spirituality, community, creativity, parenting and leisure.
Borrowing a tool from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), you can rate:
Importance: On a scale from 0–10, how important is this area to you?
Alignment: On a scale from 0–10, how closely are you living in line with that value right now?
A big gap between these two numbers signals an opportunity for positive change. For example, if lifelong learning feels like a 10 in importance, but your alignment is a 1 (because you’re spending most free time scrolling social media), that’s a clue it’s time to refocus your energy.
Take Time for Regular Check-Ins
Your values will evolve as you grow and move through different life stages. That’s natural—and it’s important to approach the process with self-compassion. Instead of criticizing yourself for getting off track, gently ask: Which way am I heading? Is this direction aligned with who I want to be? If not, what small steps can I take to get back on course?
Working out what matters most isn’t a one-time project. It’s an ongoing practice—and one of the most rewarding things you can do for yourself.